Mindfulness has become a movement over the past few years. Of course, mindfulness has been used in many cultures, in many different ways for centuries.

I wonder, however, if in the west we have over complicated it? Have we hyped mindfulness up to appear for some people as unattainable or even unattractive?

I would like to offer you a  simple mindfulness practice that will only take a few moments of your day.  It promises to help you let go of bothersome and painful thoughts. It can help you recognise when you are in a thinking trap. And the practice can gently with compassion, return your thoughts to the moment.

 

Take a moment to find a comfortable position, close down your eyes and connect to your breath.

Take a breath into your body.

Focus on the rise and fall of your rib cage (place your hands gently on your rib cage to help you direct your breath here).

Feel the sensation as your breath moves in and out of your lungs.

Notice the sensation as the air flows into your body filling your chest and your lungs welcoming and expanding.

Notice what you feel as the air flows out of your chest falling and releasing, your shoulders relaxing, your breath leaving your nostrils.

Focus on emptying your lungs, letting your breath release.

Feel your lungs deflate and rest for a moment before inviting your breath in again to flow and nourish your body.

Give yourself permission to let any thoughts or images to come and go as if they were leaves in a flowing stream. When a new thought arises acknowledge it and allow the current of the stream carry it away.

As you do this keep your mind on your breath, its ebb and flow.

It is natural for our thoughts to carry us away with them when this happens. Take a moment to acknowledge this and gently return to your breath.

Try for ten nourishing mindful breaths in this way whenever you can or whenever you are feeling frazzled, out of sorts or just in need of a break.

 

Would you like to develop more mindfulness practices that will enable you to find more joy in your life?

Contact me about the Mindfulness Project.

What is self-compassion?

Self compassion is being kind to ourselves when we suffer. We care for ourselves as we would care for someone we truly love. Self-compassion includes self-kindness.

A sense of common humanity and mindfulness.

~ Kirstin Neff

There are 3 aspects of self-compassion

Self-kindness:

Nurturing ourselves in times of struggle and difficulty. When we do not behave how we would like to, fall short, mess up or are in pain, self-kindness is learning to treat ourselves with love, sympathy, respect and understanding. We will make mistakes in our lives. When we do we are to practice self-kindness when we can meet ourselves without harsh judgement.

When we are suffering being able to soothe ourselves, and make room for the emotion instead of trying to ignore or block out our pain.

Developing a true love for ourselves that can weather any storm .

A sense of common Humanity:

As humans, we are uniquely and beautifully flawed. All of us experience pain, feelings of “not good enough”, times when life is not going how we want it to. Too often these emotions and experiences isolate us as we think, “ I am the only person suffering”. All humans suffer, we are mortal, vulnerable and imperfect. Remembering what we have in common, helps us feel connected and a part of the whole.

Mindfulness:

“Mindfulness is the awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally,”

Kabat-Zinn.

Self-compassion requires us to acknowledge negative thoughts and emotions. We learn to be open to observing them with clarity and kindness, not suppressing judging or denying them. As Kirstin Neff states, we cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time.

Why Self Compassion?

Studies have shown people who have self-compassion also have greater social connectedness, emotional intelligence, happiness, and overall life satisfaction. Self-compassion has also been shown to correlate with less anxiety, depression, shame, and fear of failure.

At The Connected Center we offer a special 4-week course to enable you to learn and practice the 3 aspects of Self Compassion. Read more:

The Self Compassion Project

 

I was recently asked for my top suggestions for recovery, off the top of my head I said….

Tips for addiction recovery

Support:

Addiction thrives in the shadows, it disconnects us from our loved ones and communities. We hide out of shame and guilt.

Addiction tells us that we can handle our problems on our own. The opposite of disconnection is of course connection, this is so so important for recovery from any addiction- alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, shopping etc. When we reach out we are vulnerable we break the isolation we step into the light, we ask for help and guidance and we realize we are not alone, we are not flawed or broken or wrong. We have the dis-ease of addiction, that many many others also have and are in recovery from. When we seek support we find HOPE.

Gratitude:

Giving up a substance that we have devoted a good portion of our time and sometimes life to can be upsetting. We have relied on the alcohol and drugs to see us through the good times and the bad. We can feel ripped off that we can not use any more. we may question how we will have fun, cope, fit in. Life will undoubtedly be different in recovery, it will be hard work, foreign, confusing. Gratitude can change our way of thinking from “poor me ” to ” lucky me”. Okay, it’s not quite that simple but turning your mind’s eye to what you have to be grateful for rather than what you are missing can make recovery a nicer road to be traveling. Try keeping a gratitude journal naming 3 things a day you are grateful for and see the difference that this makes to your recovery.

Self-compassion:

kindness is underrated in recovery from alcohol and drug abuse.  We can be fearful of forgiving ourselves for how we where in active addiction, the fear of complacency keeps us self-punishing. This is destructive. To be able to truly recover we need to forgive ourselves, sometimes this means making amends to others and sometimes this is not possible. I know this for sure no one ever recovered by constantly telling themselves hurtful and vicious things.  Change happens when we can look back with compassion and forward with a commitment to a sober life.

Nurture:

Our bodies need to be fed and watered, rested and exercised….basic right? however, this is often overlooked in recovery from alcohol and drug addiction.   Your brain in recovery will interpret an uncomfortable mental or physical sensation as a craving, so if you have not eaten for 5 hours you are in danger of picking up your drug of choice to feel better.  Eating regularly, avoiding processed and sugar filled food and beverages will greatly assist your well-being in recovery. Sleep can also be an issue in recovery as we have altered our natural circadian rhythms and basically confused our bodies this can take a while to come back online. Be patient and have compassion for yourself at this time.  Having a bedtime routine ( like you would for a baby) can help.

Give back:

This point is last for a reason. When you are able to share your story of addiction and recovery is extremely powerful and rewarding. It continues to break down the shame and guilt, reminds you of how hard you have worked, how far you have come. Inspiring others and your self to keep on the road of recovery. Furthermore, it can take the focus off your own problems and provide gratitude for what you have.

So there you have it off the top of my head 5 suggestions to support you in your recovery from addiction.

Take care

Araluen

 

 

 

 

Addiction is an illness that affects total wellbeing. It is not just your physical body that is affected but your mind, your emotions your relationships and your sense of self.

Because addiction can affect your whole self, treatment must also look after the whole self. For this reason, we will work together with you to design a holistic recovery programme that is individual to your needs.

Working out treatment begins with an assessment

The first step is to talk with me and share your story. This is an incredibly powerful way to start your treatment and gives us a strong platform to work from. From there we design a treatment programme tailored to you.

I work from an integrative and multi-disciplinary approach. I will only use therapies that are evidence-based, well researched and proven to be effective.

Therapy options can include:

Cognitive behavioural therapy: This helps you to understand the thoughts, feelings and behaviour that underly your addiction. You learn alternative strategies to counter the negative behaviours.

Acceptance and commitment therapy: This helps to realign with your core values and purpose, building a life you are proud of and excited to live.

Stress management: Addiction and mental health issues often go hand in hand.  Consequently, I help you learn techniques to manage stress, anxiety and depression. These are also included.

Helping you and your loved ones deal with your addictions

Addiction can take its toll not only on you but also on your family and loved ones. Addiction can damage your relationships with loved ones, often at a time when you need them most. As part of our treatment plans I can work with you and your family to develop:

• Self-care
• Self-compassion
• Family dynamics
• Communication
• Boundaries

I am also a trained yoga therapist and can work with you and your loved ones to develop a better connection between your mind and your body as well as mindfulness and breathing for relaxation.

Prevent relapses with help to move forward

Once you begin to see results from your treatment it is important to work on areas that will help you continues moving forward and to become free from addiction in the future. Work in this area can include recognising triggers and developing coping mechanisms, setting boundaries and stress management.

Contact me today

Self-compassion or self-love may be a foreign concept for some people. This is especially true for those who were raised in abusive or unloving homes, where compassion may have been non-existent.

A construct drawn from Buddhist psychology, self-compassion refers to a way of relating to the self — with kindness. It is not to be confused with arrogance or conceit, which usually indicates a lack of self-love.

….

People who have self-compassion also have greater social connectedness, emotional intelligence, happiness, and overall life satisfaction. Self-compassion has also been shown to correlate with less anxiety, depression, shame, and fear of failure. These attributes are paramount in recovery.

from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/nurturing-self-compassion/201703/how-cultivate-more-self-compassion

 

The article goes on to give 5 ways to practice self-compassion which I have summarised here:

1. Treat yourself as you would a small child. Treat yourself a someone you are responsible to care for, as someone you are responsible for protecting. Think about how you care for a friend.
2. Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness is an antidote to the self-critic as well as negative rumination.
3. Remember that you’re not alone. Other people have walked this journey and have had similar experiences.
4. Give yourself permission to be imperfect. Give yourself room to be human and flawed. Keep faith in your potential, accepting that mistakes are part of the journey.
5. Work with a supportive therapist or coach. Cultivating new thought patterns and behaviour takes hard work and you don’t need to do this alone.

Would you like support? My approach is simple: loving boundaries, understanding and self-care. You’ll stop blaming and start healing.

Have a look our The Self Compassion Project

Contact Me Today

 

 

• Do you think that it is possible for you to be happier than what you are right now?
• If so what would that happiness depend on?
• Does your answer involve your loved one’s recovery, or are you reaching a recovery milestone?
• If you are in recovery or moving into recovery does this depend on others forgiveness, money or status?

The idea of your happiness within your control and the notion of self-care is an almost foreign language when you are in a relationship with someone dependent on a substance, or in recovery yourself.

When I broach this subject with my clients it is apparent that the concept of self-care and increasing happiness is lost in translation, I am met with responses such as:

“How can I take care of myself when my daughter needs me?”

or

“I have done so much damage to my family that focusing on myself is selfish – I don’t deserve happiness.”

Sound familiar?

What if I was to tell you that your self-care was key to improving your happiness and is an essential ingredient to your recovery. In other words, your misery does not increase recovery however your happiness just might.

How is that possible you ask? Well, emotions are sort of contagious. Have you ever noticed that if someone you love is upset then often you are also out of sorts? Well, the same is true for the more positive emotions. If you are generally happier the people around you will feel this.  Also, in taking care of your happiness by increasing your self -care you are influencing your family in a healthy way to do the same.

Sounds good right? So let’s start with the basics of self-care. A tool we use to help people access their self-care is HALTS. HALTS is an acronym for hungry angry lonely tired sad /sick/stressed.

Consider the 7 headings for self-care below

Hungry:

I know we have heard it before but are you eating well? REALLY! Do you put off eating telling yourself you are not hungry or you will eat better tomorrow? Are you more attuned to when your loved one last ate than to your own nutritional needs? Eating is imperative for emotional regulation, energy, and effective communication. You are more likely to respond effectively to the people in your life as well as the challenges of your day when you are well nourished rather than operating in starvation mode.

Angry:

Anger is a powerful and needed emotion it informs us that we or someone else is being mistreated or that our rules for life are being broken. When in a relationship where substances are present ( either you are using or a loved one it ), anger can feel ever present, overwhelming, and exhausting. Anger will become your constant companion if you let it.  If you are finding yourself angry with everyone and everything, take a step back and consider what other emotions may be in the mix. What are you telling yourself that is fueling the anger? Is it accurate? Is it helpful? Can you shift your focus and put anger down for a little while?

Lonely:

We know that an absolute symptom of addiction is isolation for both family members and the person using. This is due to stigma, shame, and deep fears of being judged. These fears lead people to disconnect and withdraw from others in their communities who are able to offer support.

No one gets better in isolation, we need each other! You do not have to tell everyone what is going on for you I am not suggesting a Facebook post, but please do confide in one or two trusted people in your life.

When I was isolated as a result of the additions in my family, my therapist said to me, that I would be surprised by who would choose to stay in my life, who would leave, and who would come forward to support me.

She was right. I was hurt by those who left, however, some of my best friendships were formed in this harrowing time.

If you truly cannot share your situation with anyone you trust, access your local ALANON/AA/NA or CADS meetings or any other support, even if it is not addiction related. Enrolling in a dance class is still connecting you with others. Don’t forget everyone is struggling with inner troubles you know nothing about. You never know where support will show up but if you’re not connected then you’ll really never know- period.

Tired:

Being tired affects our body, mind and spirit. When we fill our days with endless business and overdo it for others, we are putting our health and relationships in jeopardy.  Running on empty compromises our ability to think clearly and our capacity to respond and cope with challenges we face. If you are unable to increase your sleep right now, try engaging in more restful behaviors and activities.  Practising mindfulness can also be an effective way of engaging in self-care as it allows us time to pause and focus on what is happening for us in the here and now.

Sad:

Allow yourself the time and space to grieve for yourself and your loved one using. This is not the life you wished for them or yourself. However, all is not lost! By focusing on what you can control- namely your HALTS- you may experience a reduction of your sadness (refer to my blog on grieving).

Sick:

When was the last time you attended any health care provider…, for you? Taking responsibility for your health needs to be paramount for you.  Are you exercising? Taking your medication as prescribed? Avoiding mood-altering drugs? These are a few basic questions to reflect on. You may have simply missed your yearly checkup or rescheduled an appointment as a result of your hectic life. Due to the nature of addiction and having not focused on yourself in a healthy way for some time it is not uncommon to forget yourself as you focus almost exclusively on their needs. Remember if you are unwell you are of no help to anyone else.

Stressed:

You may not even recognise your elevated stress levels as your tolerance to the chaos of addiction increases. However, stress is inevitable when you are trying to control an uncontrollable situation. Breathe out and recognise that the only person you can change is yourself.  Know that you are not responsible for anyone else’s behaviour except your own.

What are your go-to de-stressors? is it being in the garden, a bubble bath, or coffee with a close friend? If you have neglected your antidotes to stress take time to re-introduce them to your daily life.

Being in a relationship with substances or someone using substances can feel hopeless and personally helpless. However, we impact each other all of the time! What you do matters and you need to be as well as you can be.  You can control your HALTS to some extent. Focusing on what you can do will provide a refuge when other things in your life are not so balanced or controlled.

I cannot emphasise enough the importance of self–care as the first step in increasing your happiness. Taking care of yourself gives you the gift of being able to respond rather than react. It increases your ability to positively impact your wellbeing and ultimate recovery.  You deserve to increase your happiness for yourself and everyone you love!

Take care

Ara

Happiness is not ready-made. It comes from our own actions ~Dalai Lama

MORE ARTICLES

• Affected by a loved one or partner’s substance abuse?
• Substance Abuse? Is Your Substance Use Impacting your Life?
• What’s happening inside that brain of yours?

 

 

 

Questions to ask yourself about the effects of Substance Abuse

Has your substance use become a priority in your life?

Do you find yourself needing more?

Thinking about your next use or recovering from your past use more often than not?

Are your loved ones showing concern?

Is your substance use a cause of arguments or resentments has it distanced you from those you love?

Have you been trying to stop on your own?

Does any of this sound familiar?

You do need support education and understanding to begin to recover from substance abuse and addiction.

Addiction is a recoverable disease, it is not a moral failing or due to lack of willpower.

Are you wanting to seek wellness?

Some of the areas I can help you with include:

• developing a different perspective on your addiction
• learning about your emotions
• communication skills
• relapse prevention
• developing strategies to navigate your life without substances
• self-care
• navigating the treatment system
• regaining control of your life
• living a life free of substance

Contact me today for an appointment.

Other Articles

• Addiction Recovery is Possible

 

 

 

Affected by a loved one or partner’s substance abuse?

If you are in a relationship with someone with substance abuse, you will be impacted by the addiction. You could be suffering from such things as sleepless nights, anxiety and upset stomach issues. Physical and emotional symptoms are common amongst family members of those the abuse.

Because you might want to ‘fix’ the dependent person in your life, you may be angry or think they would stop if they loved you more. You may have been trying to manage this disease on your own holding secrets out of shame and fear.

The truth is, addiction is a disease which is recoverable from but one that you do not have power over.

What you are not powerless over however is YOU!

Consequently, how you choose to continue your relationship with your loved one and deciding to begin to focus on your own wellness can have an impact.

Moreover, to provide any kind of support to your loved one, you need to be well yourself.

Substance Abuse Affects Families. I can help you :

• find your boundaries implement them and hold them
• learn to care for yourself again
• communicate in an effective and respectful way
• navigate the treatment system
• develop a different perspective on addiction
• learn new skills to transform your relationship with your love one
• create the life that you want and make peace with the things you can not change .

Sam Fowler in the video below tells about her experiences suffering from “the family disease.”

Remember:

you did not create the problem

you can not cure the problem

you can not control the problem

BUT

you can learn new skills

focus on what you can control ( you)

and create the life that you deserve.

Contact me today to book an appointment

 

 

 

 

As family members in a relationship with someone who is dependent on substances, we can feel as though we are trying to navigate in the dark. We do not understand our loved one’s behavior, their decision to continue to use is baffling if not infuriating and heartbreaking.

Well, part of this could be attributed to what is happening inside your loved one’s head – literally, substances affect our brains in various ways.

I need to preface this with the fact that I am not a neuroscientist, however for me personally and professionally knowing a little about the effects that substances of abuse have on the brain has created curiosity. It has helped with problem-solving options. It has decreased judgment and feelings of helplessness within me that have enabled me to move forward with hope and understanding.

Let us navigate this together

The main area in the brain to be impacted by substances is the pleasure and reward pathway. These pathways have a high concentration of the neurotransmitter dopamine who’s job it is to produce feelings of pleasure -dopamine makes us feel really good. It’s that feeling you get when you see someone you love or when eating your favourite meal.

We are designed as humans to repeat behaviors that make us feel good, like sex and eating. We repeat them as we get a hit of dopamine that we want to have again this is nature’s way of ensuring survival. Clever aren’t we?

Okay, so that’s what dopamine does for a non-addicted brain. Let’s see what happens when you add substances.

When we use substances our brains get flooded with dopamine and we feel amazing (and of course don’t forget we are designed to repeat feel good behaviors) this creates a number of problems within our brains.

Problem 1: this dopamine is produced by artificial means and disrupts our natural ability to produce, balance and absorb dopamine.

This means that we seek out the substance at higher and higher levels (this is called tolerance) over time just to feel okay. The brain then attempts to keep a balance and reacts by lowering the amount of naturally producing dopamine.

Problem 2: the brain has down graded its natural dopamine levels in response to the artificial hit it is getting from the substance.

When you take the substance away there is not enough naturally occurring dopamine to feel okay, there is often no interest in life – (in early recovery it is not uncommon for people to enter a state of depression). Furthermore, the inability to feel pleasure contributes to “cravings” which are physiologically highly uncomfortable that can influence a decision to keep using or precipitate a lapse following a period of abstinence.

The good news is that the brain can recover and learn new ways of functioning this however takes time.

A combination of behavioral and sometimes medical interventions as well as your understanding and positive communication will support a return to a naturally functioning brain.

There are 2 other structures in our brains that are put out of balance by substances the pre frontal cortex and the limbic system.

The prefrontal cortex

The prefrontal cortex is the part of our brains that acts like a stop sign. It’s the consequences and planning part of our brains. When affected by substance this system shuts down. How many of us have said, “I would not have done that (insert embarrassing behaviour) if I was sober?” It is what enables us to say “ No” to an impulse.

The limbic system

The limbic system is the part of our brain that is responsible for 3 key functions- emotions, memories and stimulation.

In substance use this part of the brain gets highly excited- the brain remembers the feel good of the use and anticipates the reward of using, because the pre frontal cortex has shut down the brain will urgently go forward with the desire to use, this is an automatic process – it all happens outside our ability to control it.

The effect of substances

Lowered dopamine levels disable the prefrontal cortex and an overly excited limbic system equals all go and no stop for you loved one.

Understanding that this is not their fault can lower your frustration and allow you some freedom of choice in how to support your loved one. It is the difference in separating your loved ones behavior from “ they are useless and are not trying hard enough” to “ I know that they can not experience much pleasure at the moment I might suggest a walk.”

So there you have it a basic guide to what maybe is going on inside your loved ones head. I hope this information offers you a different way of interpreting and understanding and supporting your loved one and your self towards recovery

As always you learning and changing your behavior benefits both you and your loved one. How you think about a problem is the first step to a solution and you are in control of what you think.

 Take care

Araluen

MORE ARTICLES

• Affected by a loved ones or partner’s substance abuse?
• Addiction Recovery is Possible
• About Araluen Clarke – Addiction Recovery Specialist
• Substance Abuse? Is Your Substance Use Impacting your Life?
• How do I help my loved one change?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Consider a time in your life when you’ve admitted to yourself that you indeed have a problem. How did that realisation feel?

Perhaps you were relieved, overwhelmed, terrified, or calm. Perhaps your private admission was a fleeting one before returning to your previous state of denial- “She’ll be right- yeah, nah, all good.”

Change is a process and not a straight trajectory. The family want their loved one to CHANGE now!! But what does this actually look like?

Understanding change at a basic level may help you to strengthen your relationship with your loved one and protect you both when change seems to stop or even go backwards.

Let’s have a look at an established model of change

The Stages of Change Model

(Prochaska and Di Clemente, 1994)

I encourage you to reflect on a change that you have made or are trying to implement in your life and consider these 6 stages:

1. Pre-contemplation

What problem? I don’t have a problem. Every one of us has had cause to deny some problem at some point in our lives, to entertain those tiny thoughts that sneak unbidden into our minds. “Eerrm the dryer must have shrunk my jeans…and skirt and top,” Right?!

If you recognise your loved one is in this stage your attempts to discuss their use, or offer advice or support, will likely be meet with defensiveness. This can be really frustrating for you and often results in a lot of miscommunication, and a distancing of your relationship with them. Accepting that your loved one is pre contemplative does not mean that as a family you roll over and ignore the problem.

In this stage you can help highlight any notions they may decide to communicate with you that their life is not how they want or need it to be. Focus on your health and wellbeing. Remember if you are unwell you are unlikely to be able to support your loved one when they are ready for change.

2. Contemplation

Ambivalence is the keyword associated with this stage- “hmmm maybe I do have a problem but last weekend was fun!”

Your loved one selectively edits or replaces the negative consequences of their substance use and focuses instead on fond memories of using. The fear of acknowledging that their substance use has become problematic often results in their thinking returning to the safety of the pre-contemplative state- “Yeah nah, all good.”

In this stage, your loved one may be more open to discussing the problems associated with their use as they are beginning to recognise them. Remember that they will likely also spend a great deal of time justifying their continued use and you will not understand all of these. Your work here is to pay attention to this growing ambivalence and simply begin to reflect this back to them- be their mirror. “I hear that you really enjoy using with your friends and that you are getting tired of owing money.”

3. Determination:

Change occurs when the fear of staying the same outweighs the fear of change. In this stage your loved one has gained some clarity on the negative effects of their use and future consequences of continued use. “I have got to get this sorted, I can’t carry on- but how?”

While your loved one may begin to investigate ways to change, they often have no definite plan.  One day they might be motivated towards this goal and the next back in contemplation. This is a stage of small steps. Perhaps they have googled AA groups or spoken to a friend in recovery.

In this stage, you can encourage the movement by researching different support options and offering them as options to your loved one. Remember recovery is different for everyone so what has worked for others may not be the same pathway for your loved one.

4. Action:

Lights, camera, action- well not quite. This stage I like to refer to as walking the walk and talking the talk- it’s about congruence. Your loved one will be overtly making attempts to change. This may include deleting using friends from their contacts, attending support groups, or getting back to an exercise regime. Even eating better can be seen as an attempt to change.

For you, your focus is to cheerlead your loved one’s attempts at change. This may have a positive result for you too, as when we focus on the positivity of what is going well we also begin to feel inspired. Remember that these changes may be only small but if encouraged, they can grow.

5. Maintenance:

“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” Socrates

Your loved one will have a good period of abstinence under their belt and be employing the skills and support they developed in the action stage. They will be focusing on their recovery as if it’s their full-time job – this takes a lot of energy. Also, the fear of lapse is ever present for both you and your loved one. High-risk situations will inevitably occur challenging all of you.  These are opportunities for skills to be put into action.

The importance of this stage is to not become complacent with the changes you’ve both made. Remember positive reinforcement encourages change – the benefits of change must outweigh the costs. Hopefully, you’re able to begin enjoying the benefits of the changes you’ve made and be able to reflect on how far you’ve both come.

6. Lapse:

Eek!! Yes, this stage, unfortunately, is mostly unavoidable. As much as we all wish it wasn’t so, change almost always includes setbacks. While your loved one has learned new strategies and alternatives to use, these were not enough at the time when they picked back up.

Again, reflect on the changes that you have made throughout your own life. Did those changes run smoothly, was your success a linear process, or did you in fact experience setbacks on your path to cementing change? My guess is you experienced the ups and downs of two steps forward, one step back. Making difficult changes is often referred to as pain assisted learning! Being realistic and prepared for this possibility as a family member acts as an anxiety preventative. Lapses don’t have to be viewed through an all or nothing lens, they are part of the growing pains of change and shouldn’t result in panic.

Lapses provide opportunities to learn from and are to be reflected upon in detail. We know that lapses don’t just happen- there are always reasons. Lapses provide clues towards finding and rebuilding a healthier life and returning to recovery with increased insight and skills.

When a client comes to me and discloses that they’ve lapsed we pull the incident apart. We look into all areas of their life, and we ask what has been out of balance and may have contributed to their lapse. We then work out a plan to reduce the likelihood of further lapses in the future.

You can support your loved one and yourself by remembering that a lapse does not equal a complete return to past levels of use and behavior. NOT ALL IS LOST!

Understanding that change requires practice and patience and that it is a learning process will prevent you and your loved one a lot of distress. Don’t loose sight of the positive changes you and your loved one have achieved.

A few last points:

• Do not compare and despair: everyone changes at a different pace and as frustrating as this is it is important to respond to where your loved one is in the change process, not where you think they should be.
• Change is a process, not a straight line: Change is a process often involving two steps forward one step back.
• Change can feel worse for both of you before it gets better: As your loved one adjusts to being substance free they may become cranky, irritable and difficult for you to be around. This is a temporary state, and as difficult as these teething pains of early recovery are for you both, this is ultimately a positive adjustment period of re-learning how to experience life and all its fullness, without the filter of substance.
• Joy increase it!! Research highlights the importance of building a happy life as paramount in reducing substance use. Consider joyful activities you and your loved one can do together or how you can support them to engage in something they want to do. And do something joyful for yourself as well. If you are attempting to live your best life you are modeling to your loved one health and happiness and will be able to support them when they need you.

As always I hope the above has been helpful or interesting, even if for a moment you felt positively different about your situation

Take care

Araluen

MORE ARTICLES

• Affected by a loved one or partner’s substance abuse?
• Recovery is a Process

Tightness in your throat, racing heart, stomach cramps, speeding thoughts and insomnia- AGAIN!?

When your loved one is dependent on a substance, ANXIETY is a permanent (unwelcomed) resident inhabiting your mind and causing havoc to your body and wellbeing.

Like all of our emotions anxiety has a purpose- it isn’t all-bad, in fact it keeps us alive, it informs us that there is danger and readies our bodies to fight or flee the situation.

The issue is that we have tens of thousands of thoughts per day and for someone in a relationship with a substance misusing loved one our thoughts can be focused on an uncontrollable future, where anxiety is reigning king.

Questions invade and repeat in our minds:

• What will they be like when I get home?
• Are they really serious about giving up this time?
• What am I going to do?
• What if they drive drunk again?

These are all very real and concerning thoughts that need to be considered and plans made to address them. Anxiety on its own will not solve our problems and left alone to run riot in our minds will only get worse. One of my clients calls this “the rats” as her anxiety-provoking thoughts run through her mind like a rat on a wheel going nowhere.

Anxious thoughts become intruders as we go about our daily routines.  We are driving our kids to school, in a work meeting, at dinner with friends all the while anxious thoughts distract and upset us. The result of this is that we become disconnected from our lives, we miss the good stuff going on right in front of us. These constant anxious thoughts do nothing to address or solve any of the underlying reasons for their presence, and instead, we develop serious unwellness. It is simply not healthy or helpful to be worried all of the time.

It is said that the mind is a terrible master but a wonderful servant. Below is a basic formula for you to practice to begin to regain control of your mind and lower anxiety-provoking thoughts. This strategy will not make your concerns mysteriously melt away but it will put you in a calmer and more present space to consider them.

S.T.O.P.P.P

Stop– when you become aware that you’re feeling anxious maybe your shoulders ache or you are unable to think straight, maybe you are feeling irritable. Take a moment to reset and step back from the situation you are creating in your mind.  Remember you are not your mind, thoughts are just thoughts. Slow down. Take no action.

Take a breath- when we are anxious our breathing changes and becomes shallow and rapid- or we may even hold our breath to prepare us to run or fight. Making a conscious decision to focus on breathing slowly and from your diaphragm will automatically reduce your sense of panic.

Observe– because we run on automatic pilot most of the time (very few of our thoughts are original) and anxiety has often become normal for us, ask yourself:

• What am I telling myself that is making me feel this way?
• Can I do anything about this now?
• Are these thoughts helpful or unhelpful?
• Where is my focus of attention right now?

Put in some perspective– emotions are self-perpetuating. Because of this, we can get carried away in our negative and anxiety-provoking thoughts. We can totally lose sight of the obstacles we have overcome and the progress that we have made, not to mention the areas of our lives that are going okay or even great. Anxiety can even rob us of the sober times with our loved one if we let it.

Practice what works– hopefully, you have 1 or 2 activities or strategies that provide you with relief from your busy worrying mind, if not the time to start investigating. Here are some ideas: A mindful activity such as colouring, focusing on breathing or bodily sensations like going for a run or swim.

Positive self-talk- is proven to reduce anxious minds. Using positive coping statements such as, “I am ok and in control of my thoughts in this moment,” or alternatively postponing your worrying mind by telling it, “thank you but not now,” and allocating a time when you can actually engage in constructive problem-solving. Our minds in anxiety mode make up all sorts of unhelpful possibilities. The good news is we can use our amazing imagination for good. Try visualising being skilful in handling an anxiety-provoking scenario and watch as your anxiety reduces.

Like anything awareness is the beginning of any change and with practice and commitment, you can become the master of your mind.

One last thing, consider this:

Worry does not take away tomorrow’s troubles it takes away today’s peace.

Take care

in kindness

Araluen

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• HALTS

We can have so many hopes for a New Year and set admirable resolutions- however, we often find ourselves very quickly in the familiar unwanted territory as addiction is immune to the restart of our calendar.

We can end up feeling overwhelmed, powerless and frustrated on a daily basis fighting with each other and ourselves and as the new year continues on we can be left feeling as though nothing will ever change.

The one thing we can begin to change however is our minds.

We have thousands of thoughts per day, most are not accurate and many are negative and self-depreciating, these thoughts inhibit change, forgiveness and put our wellbeing at risk.  The antidote to this is mindfulness, basically gaining back control over your mind and leading it to a healthier balanced place.

I would like to share with you a very simple mindfulness practice.

1. get comfy: find yourself a comfortable position ( you do not need to be sitting on the floor with your legs crossed ) just a supported position that you can easily maintain comfortably for a few minutes
2.  breathe: place one hand on your heart centre and one hand on your belly. Now concentrate your attention to your belly and as you breathe in be aware of  it inflating like a balloon slowly moving up your chest expanding your rib cage and filling your heart space. then gently breathe out.
3. be curious: can you feel the coolness of your breathe your fill your nostrils and the warmth of it as you exhale ?. Is your breath even or uneven, is the speed constant or is it slowing down,  are your in breaths and out breaths the same length? no need to change anything just simply being an observer to your breath, the rhythmic nature of it like the ocean swelling and retreating.
4. be focused: watch your mind as it naturally will pull you away from the simplicity of your breath informing you of tasks memories and emotions, when you notice this simply smile acknowledge where you have drifted to and deliberately return your mind to your breathing. ( this is way harder than it sounds, so be kind to yourself)
5. just be: inhale the present fully and exhale the past completely. in and out, in and out, in and out………

Practice this short breathing meditation whenever you have a spare few minutes, the wonderful thing about this is you can practice anywhere. Over time the act of being aware of what is happening within you will become habitual.  Then when you find yourself in a train of thought that does not serve you, you will be able to take a conscious moment of breathing and return with clarity to the present moment.

Our thoughts determine the quality of our lives and therefore the quality of our  recovery

Remember the most influential person you will talk to today is yourself.

Araluen x

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Well we are a few days away from Christmas day and I wanted to touch base with you all to see how your Christmas lead up is going.

How are you?

I realise that I cannot hear your answer but you can take a moment to really reflect on the answer to this question: How am I doing?

Christmas is, of course, different for everyone and every family. For a family living with addiction, however, it can be tainted with ‘the nightmares of Christmas past’ and hold anxiety on what this year will bring. Christmas often involves expectations that can lead to a lot of disappointment for everyone.

As a child, I would hope and expect that my father wouldn’t drink on Christmas day because…, well…, it was Christmas right! A special day where everything was happy, a day for an alternative reality to exist one in which dad wouldn’t drink for ‘me.’ Unfortunately, every year he drank (as a child I did not realise that addiction cannot take annual leave and does not adhere to statutory holidays) and every year I was angry and heartbroken. I wonder if you can relate to this experience and hope for a reprieve for just one day?

Because addiction does not go on holiday my gift to you and your family this year is a Christmas survival kit focused on what you can control this season -yourself.

Decide what Christmas means to you. Identify what is important to you in this time.

We can easily lose sight of what truly matters. Let go of what you cannot control and reconnect with yourself and your values.

Decide to enjoy yourself

This may mean creating new traditions and different ways to celebrate. Christmas may need to be different this year- that’s okay.

Be mindful

Make an inner commitment to yourself that you will mindfully engage in you and your family’s celebrations, even if your loved one isn’t present. Remember that you can be a positive role model to the rest of your family, you can inspire a new way to ‘be’ this Christmas.

Don’t try to be all things to all people

Know you are not responsible for anyone else’s thoughts, feelings, or behaviours- except your own.

Listen

With all the noise that Christmas can bring take time to tune into yourself. Be aware of your self-talk, perceptions and presumptions, physical sensations, and emotions. Treat your mind and body with love and respect.

Create some me time

Step back, take a breath and put the kettle on. It’s ok to say ‘No.’ If you need to, take some time away from the Christmas commotion to de-stress and focus on you.

Boundaries

Be aware of your boundaries and why it is important to keep them at this time. Also, be clear in communicating these to others.

Choose who you spend your time with. As best you can limit time with people who de-energise and upset you. Choose to spend your time with those who ground you, accept you, and cheer lead for you.

Be grateful

This Christmas may not be what you wish for but gratitude takes you out of yourself and connects you with something larger. It can provide you with balance and perspective to the good things happening in your life and around you.

As always- be kind to yourself

Acknowledge how far you have come this year. Let go of judgements and remember the best present you can give to your family is to be present.

I wish you a restorative Christmas and a healthy hope-filled New Year

Take care

Araluen x

What is an addiction?

This is not an easy question to answer. Family members often seek the answer to this or arrive at a personal understanding of addiction.

Our experience of living with a substance using loved one of course impacts and shapes our view of addiction. I have witnessed misunderstandings that cause blame, unjustified stigma, fragmented relationships, and ultimately suffering.

What is your view of addiction?

Does it help or hinder your relationship with your loved one?

Take a moment to consider the stigma perhaps within yourself, or that you have experienced within your family or society as a whole, as a result of being in a relationship with a loved one in addiction.

Stigma around addiction encourages secret keeping and shame, thus creating barriers to change and seeking help for everyone involved. Stigma is responsible for many untruths despite scientific evidence to the contrary. Addiction can develop despite a person’s best intentions and in spite of their strength of character.

So what is addiction?

There is no simple answer to this, and nor does a formula exist that can reliably predict addiction. However, I do hope to shed some light on this question for you.

What we know is that addiction is a complicated interaction of multiple factors: genetic, physiological, developmental, and the culture in which a person lives.

Let’s break this down:

1) Genetic/physiological

What science tells us is that we are all unique and we all have different:

Responses to how rewarding we experience a substance to be
Experiences of taste due to our taste receptors
Metabolisms for substances
Pleasure and baseline emotion levels (how we feel about life generally)
Science supports the fact that while there is no “addictive gene” there does seem to be certain genetic vulnerabilities. However, it’s important to remember, risk does not equate to destiny. Just because a person’s family has generational substance use issues does not automatically mean that individual will have addiction issues. Hereditability vulnerability to addiction is at the same rate for mood disorders (anxiety and depression etc.) approximately 40-70%.

2) Social/environmental/cultural

How a person is impacted by their environment and culture are also factors to consider. Abuse, trauma, neglect, growing up in a high substance using house or neighborhood, poor parent child relationships, peer pressure- all have been shown as vulnerabilities towards substance use issues.

Age of first use is also an indicator of future issues with substances. The earlier in life a person starts using the more likely that individual will develop issues with addiction.

An individual’s culture also plays a role: behavioural norms, price and availability of substances, and legal consequences.

As I said there are no easy answers to the “what is addiction” question. Just as your loved one is an individual so will be their map of addiction and their journey towards their recovery.

Protective factors:

Here’s the good news– one of the strongest predictors in not developing a substance use issue and in influencing the path of addiction problems, is positive family involvement. You are part of the solution and can support your loved one and yourself towards health and wellbeing.

I realise that this information may not be new to you and it does not change the fact that you and your loved one are in pain living with the reality of addiction. However, knowledge can often change how we view our world and those in it. A better understanding of the causes of addiction may offer you some freedom from the anger and blame you may be holding on to for both yourself and your loved one.

Is it time perhaps to reconsider your assumptions or beliefs about addiction?

Sources:

Beyond Addiction. A guide for families – Jeffrey Foote, Carrie Wilkens, Nicole Kosanke, Stephine Higgs
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), published by the American Psychiatric Association
HBO Addiction series http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/addiction

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The question I am most frequently asked in my role is “How do I get my loved one to change, to stop their use? How can I fix them? … I need to fix them… make them stop…”

This desperation and motivation to do whatever it takes to change and fix the person they love is really common in the people my work brings me into contact with.

I have witnessed family members gradually become healthier and happier by 1 simple but difficult change- shifting the focus off their loved one and on to themselves.

I had one lady recently say, “you know what… when I decided to have a social life again and accept invitation’s I felt better -more ME, and my loved one is recognizing that things are changing.”

Below I have suggested some guidelines to support your loved one towards change. You will notice that none of them involve a request or require a direct change in your loved one’s substance use. These are ideas for you and your family to embrace in order to make your own changes. The changes you implement in your own life can be an influence for good and a catalyst for change in your loved one’s life and hopefully support them towards recovery.

Guidelines for Supporting Change

1)     Let your loved one know in an assertive caring way how their use is affecting you and those close to them

These changes maybe frightening you may have concerns that your change may negatively affect your loved one, “if they know how much they’re hurting me, it may lead them to use more, or harm themselves.”

However, by silently tolerating your loved one’s unacceptable behaviour and allowing them to avoid facing the consequences of their using, you are actively shielding them from the truth of their situation. By raising this awareness you are increasing the possibility that they will begin to consider making changes. They may even put plans in place to change. Allowing yourself to speak the truth can be a very empowering and healing experience.

“If nothing changes nothing changes”.

 2)     Work towards a constructive, caring, and supportive, relationship

You may feel as if you are living in a war zone, and perhaps you are with everyone in your household in a hyper-alert state. Perhaps you alternate between warily circling one another while walking on eggshells, to engaging in heated arguments and personal attacks. These defensive walls need to come down for anybody to be able to consider change, including your loved one. No one is going to lower their defences (blame, anger, frustration) in a war zone.

Think of the type of support that you have needed (you may not have received it) in difficult times?

Honest and constructive feedback and support = belief and hope in change

3)    Recognise that you are only responsible for your thoughts, feelings, and actions

How much time do you spend worrying over your loved one? At a guess, I would say a disproportionate amount of time, and all this worry does is to exhaust you mentally, and physically, which results in little change and does no good for your loved one either. If you become ill you will not be able to support your loved one or anyone else.

Recall the safety instructions when you fly:

Put your own oxygen mask on first THEN attend to those who need you

Focus on yourself.

5 areas of self-responsibility

Below are the 5 areas of self-responsibility, have a read through and with kindness to yourself consider how you could make small positive changes to your wellbeing.

Physical: the basics they really work -are you eating well and regularly? When is the last time you went to your GP/ naturopath/ health provider?

How is your sleep? Have you forgotten to exercise?

Mental: Are you your own worst critic? Do you feel at the mercy of your anxious thoughts?

Monitor and challenge these intrusive thoughts. A regular mindfulness practice is proven to reduce your mental clutter and improve your quality of life.

Emotional: Check in with yourself, how are you feeling today? Acknowledge whatever feelings are going on for you and if you’re able find someone supportive to communicate them to.

Social: Time for you – spend time with people who nurture, inspire, and make you laugh. Return to your old enjoyable activities, join that group you’ve always wanted to, celebrate the good things in your life.

Spiritual: Reflect on life’s bigger meaning, reflect on your values- have they been altered/ can you return to them/ how?

What makes you special??- take time to understand yourself and develop yourself.

Remember when we focus on someone who we can’t control, we neglect our own needs and it becomes difficult to be responsible for ourselves.

Start small, pick one area of self- responsibility, and make a commitment to address this as soon as possible. Next week do the same, and so on. Notice the difference in yourself, and in others around you, as you begin to allow yourself to experience a new way of being.

take care

Araluen 

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